At the bottom of the page is Suzie Weigert’s winning entry to our Christmas 2014 Back Pain Poetry Competition. It’s brilliant! Pleeeeease read it. Thank you to all who took part, and a particular mention to Avril Brown who submitted 3 poems (unfortunately the competition wasn’t based on quantity!). My original attempt – to get the party going – is included below Suzie’s. Suzie won a massage, which I’m sure will help to ease away some of the January blues…
Rock and Roll Santa
Stornoway and Barra, Tiree and East Kilbride
Then right across the Central Belt and down to Morningside;
Santa wisnae worried, it wouldnae take her long.
She whistled as she worked, the famous Santa song
‘We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight, We’re gonna rock, rock, rock, ’till broad daylight,’.
It’s been in Santa’s songbook since the 1960s.
(She’s taught it to her elves and also the wee pixies).
The Western Isles were bracing, Santa’s heart was racing
As through the skies they sped, with all the winky weans in bed.
She loves to come to Edi, the lums they are a treat
She flies above the sloping roofs, far above the street
Landing on the slippery slates she takes a lot of care
Slows her trusty reindeer with inches left to spare
Letting go the reins, she gathers up her sack
Aaaaarrghoooh YahBeauty!!! – THAT’S MA BACK!!!!
‘A cannae move at a’, ma back’s gone intae spasm
And noo I’m meant to fling masel’ doon that big chasm!
I’m no a cowrin’, tim’rous beastie, but whit a panic’s in ma breastie
For doon that lum I maun go, spasming quick or spasming slow’.
And so she did.
Into the black………..
Went Santa and her heavy sack
She dropped her gifts beneath the tree
‘Cannae straighten that damn knee
Whit the hell am I gaun tae dae?
Jings, Crivvens and help ma Boab. How am I gaun tae dae ma job?’.
Then Santa got a grip.
‘Don’t panic Mrs Mannering’, she said unto herself.
And who d’you think heard these words but Santa’s bestest elf.
Who appeared in elfin shining armour, right beside her head
And in her ear, most carefully, these helpful words he said
‘Rock and roll Santa, please lie down on the rug
Bring your knees up to your chest and hug, hug, hug.
And Santa rocked and Santa rolled
As Elfie more instructions told
Of how to ease
With swaying knees
And gentle squeeze
That dreadful freeze
Santa must get moving, be better right away
Can’t just rock and roll around until it’s Christmas Day.
Santa and elves are magic, as every child does know
And when, with morning daybreak, the eastern skies do glow
Magic dust is sprinkled
Elfin eyes are twinkled
Santa stands up straight, clicks her heels with glee
And lo, whoosh, flash, gone, straight up that chiminee.
Being Santa isnae easy, it’s kinda tough oot there
Loading up the sledges and all that bumpy air.
When poor old Santa’s back has cumulative load
What she needs, and swiftly, is a guid yin ‘for the road’.
So, if you care for Santa, think she’s worth her salt
Put away the sherry,
And pour a …..
Really ……Luscious ……..Malt.
By Suzie Weigert
With thanks and apologies to The Bard, The Broons, Dad’s Army and Bill Haley and His Comets
Here’s my attempt below…
Gavin’s Back Pain at Christmas Poem!
Something was definitely wrong,
Perhaps my back just wasn’t that strong…
Last night I wrestled with the 8 foot tree,
This morning my first words were “xxxxxx me”!
I couldn’t roll over to get out of bed,
The spasm shot up to the top of my head.
Any movement brought tears to my eyes,
That Christmas tree I start to despise.
This has happened before across the years,
Christmas has always brought me to tears!
But no good lying there in my bed,
There are guests and family needing well-fed.
My Christmas diet starts with some drugs –
It’s the only way to tolerate hugs.
“Joyeux Noel?”… My back hurts like hell,
Cousin John says “Is that deep heat that I smell?”
I have to lie down while the kids bring my gift,
My back spasms whenever I try to shift.
But lo, what is this my eyes behold?
A voucher inside there is enclosed.
“Whoopeee!” I get ready to shout,
Instead… a little scream comes out.
Too much excitement is bad for the back,
But this will surely get me back on track…
A voucher to see a different quack.
Perhaps this one will be better than the others before?
The doc, physiotherapist and chiropractor.
Meantime, I’m off to try a wee walk,
Better than listening to family talk.
OOOOhhhh, another spasm hits me below,
Perhaps I’d be better just lying low?
Pass me the whisky, I’m off to bed,
Boxing Day will bring back pain AND a sore head!
May Christmas bring you all a great time –
Don’t try the whisky, just stick to mulled wine.